Konami Announces Left 4 Dead 3, Accidentally Calls It Metal Gear Survive
During Gamescom 2016, Konami showed a trailer for what appeared to be a really shitty Left 4 Dead 3, but was bizarrely and presumably accidentally named Metal Gear Survive instead. Although the video featured well known characters from the Metal Gear franchise like Big Boss and Miller, they disappeared quickly in favor of bland, generic soldiers with short haircuts and a female with a bow and arrow. Even stranger, no Left 4 Dead characters, all of which are unique, fun, and infinitely quotable, showed up at all. It’s unclear how Konami wound up with the rights to the Left 4 Dead license, but attendees of the show were extremely confused by the name change. “I had no idea what I was watching. Why was Big Boss in this zombie game? Is this Left 4 Dead 3? God it looks bad. They were literally just using assets from MGSV!” said Phil Lampert, a fan of L4D. “But after I saw the title, my heart began to sink. Then a bright red light flashed on the screen, as if to say, ‘watch out!’, and the word Konami disappointed my eyes. At that point, I kinda knew this was just gonna shit all over my face.”
A corporate shill immediately hopped on social media to proclaim that Konami is still “all about the fans” and “loves console games and shit” following the release of the trailer. “We are so committed to bringing you the best, most newest, coolest, most badass, fuckin’ WICKED console games you’ve ever seen!” said the faceless suit. “Metal Gear Survive is the first of many, many, MANY more brilliant, groundbreaking new games from Konami. Strap in fuckers, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride!” Konami’s pet also divulged that the game will apparently ship at a discounted price sometime in 2017. “What? Oh God is there…is there gonna be DLC? This is essentially a mobile game isn’t it?!” said a now even more somber Lampert. At press time, the unknown Konami entity was desperately reminding everyone to play Pachinko machines and posting memes with no context.