Resident Evil Film Franchise Getting Reboot No One Asked For Or Wanted

After six films based on the Resident Evil video game series over a span of 15 goddamn years, it appears the film series is getting a reboot because art is dead.  Constantin Film, the production company responsible for the atrocities sometimes referred to as “films”, is already gearing up for a brand new installment.  When asked whether this movie would fit into the currently established story, and that word is used very loosely, a studio exec just shrugged.  “Who fuckin’ cares?  We’re just lookin’ for more money,” he said smugly while pissing on an innocent animal.  Milla Jovovich, hiding behind a nearby tree, looked on with excitement.

Paul W. S. Anderson, Satan’s right-hand man who wrote all six abominations and directed four, would not say if he was involved in the project yet.  “I can tell you that I have a lot going on right now.  I’ve been charged with directing and writing an adaption of the Monster Hunter series, which will feature an American being sucked into a parallel universe that the games are set in.  He’ll learn how to fight monsters and then have to deal with a gnarly situation when the monsters cross back into the real world and start wrecking shit.  I’m gonna have an epic final battle at Los Angeles International Airport.”  He nodded and smiled, as though he had accomplished something of any importance.  After several moments of silence, he coughed loudly.  “We’ll be releasing it in China as well.”

Anderson will likely be involved with the Resident Evil reboot because life isn’t fair and nothing is worth living for.  “I have a net worth of $20 million,” Anderson said as his horns slowly began showing themselves more prominently.  His voice dropped a few pitches as he continually stated his net worth over and over again.

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