Monopoly To Retire Thimble, No One Gives Single Shit

Famed board game company Hasbro has decided to retire the thimble from their somehow 82 year old game Monopoly and so far, absolutely no one has given a single shit.  “The thimble?  Who the hell picked that token anyway?”  said board game enthusiast Jacob Tally.  “Honestly?  Good.  Good.  Fuck the thimble.”  Hasbro, in a desperate attempt to be relevant to anyone, held an online vote recently to determine which pieces would go and which would stay.  “I would say I’m surprised the thimble got the lowest number of votes but, I mean, it’s a goddamn thimble.  I don’t even know why it was in there to begin with.  Who would choose that on purpose?”  said senior vice president of marking Jonathan Berkowitz.  “I always pick the race car,”  he whispered as he pulled out the iconic token, followed by making “vroom” noises for a full minute.

Berkowitz also likes the top hat piece and wore it on his head for a while without shame, despite the increasingly awkward silence while he attempted to balance it and do a small dance involving a cane.

When asked if he would be picking up the newest version of the game later this fall, Tally scoffed.  “Why would I buy that?  Does anyone play Monopoly anymore?  It’s not fun.  It’s never fun.  It’s a surface game, get outta here with that shit.”  At press time, Berkowitz was reading through the list of new options to potentially replace the clearly hated thimble and sighing very heavily.  “Well there’s a hashtag so that’ll probably win.”

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