Devil’s Third Online Servers Shut Down, All Five Players Furious

After only 16 months since its initial launch, Nintendo has shut down Devil’s Third online servers, upsetting all of the five active users.  Phillip Moon, whose online handle is JizzzzMast3r69, was incredibly upset.  “I mean, I know the game has a complex storyline involving the Kessler syndrome.  I get that it’s complicated and people were turned off by the real world aspects and can’t handle them.  I get it, I do.  But to cancel the online mode because of it?  Come on Nintendo.  Come on.”  He tore into a bag of Combos.  “We were a tight-knit group.  We didn’t ever have to wait to find a game, but shit got imba pretty quick since the teams were always unbalanced.  Kinda unfun in retrospect.”

The other members of the extremely robust online faction of five total people, George Trenton, aka LilGeorgyy, Alec Reed, aka Link1nPaRkFan1992, Felicia Yenton, aka Fel4U2, and xXSSJLV3SephirothXx, who refused to give out his real name, all agreed that Nintendo was making a huge mistake.  “This had everything going for it.  A rabid online community who knew each other by name.  Graphics that I didn’t hate that much.  Badass characters with tattoos and codenames.  Online modes that functioned mostly.  What the fuck Nintendo?”  said Yenton as she cracked open her fifth Mountain Dew Code Red.  “I guess we don’t know xXSSJLV3Sephiroth’s name but whatever.  Game is so good.”

“Game is so good.”

Although Nintendo reportedly published the title because they didn’t have enough “strong online games”, it appears no one at the company actually tested the game before giving it the stamp of approval and releasing the meager 22 copies worldwide.  Game director Tomonobu Itagaki was also confused.  “Did you play the game?  I know you at least saw that dumpster fire.  I’m surprised five people even bought it.  I was floored they shipped 22 copies.  Floored.”

Although saddened, the healthy online player base decided to come together to celebrate the barely one year of gameplay they were able to get and see a movie.  “We decided on Underworld: Blood Wars as our celebratory film,”  said Reed.  “Kate Beckinsale plays a Death Dealer Nordic Enhanced Vampire-Corvinus Strain Hybrid in this one, so it should be fun.”  He opened a single Zebra Cake and sighed.  “I don’t think xXSSJLV3SephirothXx is coming.”

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