Gaming Politics: Bowser’s Debate Performance Devastated By All His Talking


Bowser, King of World 8 and the Koopa Party’s nominee for President of the Nintendo Kingdom, faced serious difficulty last night when an official debate forced him to talk for a full hour and a half.

“It’s devastating,” said Kamek Koopa, Bowser’s top campaign adviser. “Mr. Bowser is great imagery. Growling, snarling, that sort of thing. Talking is not his strong suit.”

Bowser while answering a question on immigration

Kamek has complained that the whole debate format unfairly disadvantaged the Koopa King. “This is someone whose campaign is built on being strong, and scary, and tough. Everything about him says, ‘Final Boss.’ What kind of Final Boss has to sit down with the hero and explain why he’s tougher?”

“And obviously Bowser’s comments last week about kidnapping the children of the Mushroom Kingdom and eating them as a stew were taken totally out of context!”

Among Bowser’s many missteps during the debate was his claim that he has a great temperament, shortly before spitting fireballs at the crowd and forcing the debate moderator to pass him on a rickety wooden bridge and hit the bridge release. This sent Bowser falling into a lava pit, which ended the debate.

Later in the spin room, a recovered Bowser attempted to explain the misstep. “I meant ‘temperature,’” the Koopa King said. “I said I have a great ‘temperature.’ Literally I produce actual fire in a special organ in my gut. It’s a great fire, the best. I wanted to show everyone how good my fire is. Unfortunately my microphone wasn’t picking up my voice properly.”   

Bowser’s opponent, Mother Brain, who spent the debate suspended in a viscous nutrient solution and bathed in an unearthly red glow, occasionally communicated with a synthesized vocalizer that she understood the everyday struggles of “frail and ineffectual humans.”


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