E3 Day 1: Microsoft Blunders, Forgets Kinect Device Exists



Microsoft made an embarrassing blunder today at it’s E3 press conference when it completely forgot to talk about its plans for its Kinect device, or even mention the accessory at all. Gamers know the Kinect was first announced at 2009’s E3, when Microsoft promised it would transform home entertainment. Now, six years later, most gamers would agree that Microsoft did indeed transform the world, though only a little – from a world where the Kinect wasn’t announced at E3 in 2009, to a world where it was.


“Obviously, somewhere in the past, the timeline skewed down into this tangent, creating an alternate 2015!”

In an incredibly embarrassing gaffe, Microsoft forgot to include their pivotal Kinect accessory at any point in their presentation. Microsoft must be feeling especially red-faced about this mistake, since it once heralded the device as “the birth of the next generation of home entertainment.” This has led to speculation from scientists and philosophers that Microsoft may have erased the Kinect from existence simply by not talking about it. Research is ongoing, but preliminary investigations have concluded that both the Sega CD and Virtual Boy still existed despite Sega and Nintendo similarly refusing to ever mention them.

Fans of extraneous hardware were not left disappointed, however, as Microsoft showcased its HoloLens headset in a technologically impressive demonstration. When asked how the headset could be meaningfully integrated into gameplay, Microsoft Studios demonstrator and human typo Saxs Persson replied excitedly, “I have an IQ of over 150 and I cannot imagine how that could possibly come to be.”


“I mean, maybe if you own an empty warehouse you can walk around in, we could make some sort of maze-walking game?”

Considerable excitement was also stirred up at Rare’s announcement that the company would be bundling 30 of their games in one Xbox One title – including, impressively, some of the titles from before Microsoft bought them and ran the once-prized developer into the ground. “Obviously we could not be more thrilled to be re-releasing Banjo-Kazooie, Battletoads, even just a few of the amazing games Rare used to make on the regular before Microsoft stuck their poison dick in us and filled us with their venomous seed,” said Gregg Mayles, the game’s Design Director.

Noticeably absent from the collection – which includes classic titles such as Space Racer, Ultimate Flush Poker, and Popper Gop* – are any of the games that put Rare on the map during their partnership with Nintendo from 1994 through to 2002. “I mean, obviously we wish we could delve more into that treasure trove of incredible games like Donkey Kong Country or Perfect Dark from before Microsoft bought us and just – and really, just rotted us from the inside out like an apple at the bottom of a dry, dirty well,” Mayles said in response to this inquiry. “But we at least have Banjo-Tooie, and Kameo: Elements of Power. And did I mention Battletoads? I did? Well we have that, too.”

*[David, please replace these with real game titles before publishing, i.e. Lunar Jetman, Cobra Triangle and/or Sabre Wulf. I agree with your e-mail that 999 out of 1,000 of readers couldn’t tell game titles this ancient apart from a pig’s hairy asshole but it’s about maintaining basic standards of professionalism. -Ed.]

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