A Chrimbus Holiday In Arda: The Hobbit Trilogy In Review
It was a time in December, very near to Chrimbus Day. No one cared. Fifteen idiots from the land of Center-earth Planet Place were on their way to see the new movie film for theaters The Interview, a satirical comedy about the insane and oppressive government of Morborea. Of these fifteen idiots, all were named something dumb. Boring Brokenshield and his twelve buddy people Dwarf friends, Ballin’, Pilfer, Darfur, Door, Fappin’, Feelme, Killme, Loin, Edible Seaweed, Owen, Oreo, and Fat Person. Also with them was the wizard Grandpa, who was old and always confused, and his Hobbit caretaker, Behlboah. Together, they made no difference and wasted a lot of people’s time.
The movie theater place land was merely three hours away, maybe four if they wanted to see some extra sights and make everyone happy for the holiday season. However, this band of morons decided it would be fun to go the long way around Center-earth Place Planet Land Area, and so it would take them nearly nine grueling hours to arrive. Before they left, they first sang a long musical number, followed by wrecking Behlboah’s house and talking about lot about things that didn’t pertain to The Interview or arriving there in a timely fashion.
“This is really boring,” said Behlboah, out loud.
“It is. It really, really is. Where am I though?” responded a confused as always Grandpa. He then took a puff what he called “Not Weed” even though everyone knew it was totally weed.
Finally, the band of people friends left Lag End, the home of Behlboah. They walked for a while. Interesting things should have been happening, since they were wasting so much time to get to the goddamn movie, but instead, a chain of lackluster events befell them. A group of trolls stepped in their way at one point for no reason.
“Ello lil buddies. We here to st–” gurgled Troll 1.
But then the sun came out, which prevented him from talking anymore because reasons.
“This is really boring, still,” uttered a depressed Behlboah.
“THINGS! AGREEMENT!” said one of the twelve people who were not Boring Brokenshield or Grandpa, because they didn’t matter.
Next, the company ran into BadaCasting. An old friend of Grandpa, he could have been a badass and interesting wizard like his companion. However, for some reason, he thought his calling was to be entertainment for children and so he constantly smeared shit in his hair and acted buffoonish at all times. He was dumb and bad and dumb.
“Bliddy boop poopy Grandpa! There is a bad man person guy trying to stop you from seeing The Interview! He is called SaurJong-un, the leader of Morborea. He is the bad times and doesn’t like that the film makes fun of him!”
“I hate all things,” belted Boring Brokenshield. “Go away and don’t come back but for minor moments when we need you!”
And with that, BadaCasting left making fart noises and talking to himself because comedy. At some point during their continued, long, strained and painful journey, they stopped at a concert for the Great Goblins, a mathcore/screamo band. It was here that they became separated and, for the first and likely last time, Behlboah met an interesting individual named Circus.
“I has good conversation for yous hombet! We play riddleses games called “plot points” and you enjoys it, yes!” said the saving grace of their adventure. I cannot stress enough that Circus literally saved the first half of their journey from being completely boring and outright shit.
“You’re saving our journey from being completely boring and outright shit!” reiterated Behlboah.
Unfortunately, this would be the last of Circus, for he lost his prized Great Goblins concert merch, “Dat Ring”, which he had won during their “Gobblin’ It Up” tour in ’77. This threw him into a rage that could not be contained, and so he set off to find a better adventure, which he was sure had already happened ten years ago. Behlboah found “Dat Ring” and kept it for himself, intending to sell it on eBay.
Somewhere along the way, an Orc, Crantdell Gorgifor Illiu, better known as CGI, attempted to impede their journey to the film movie.
“Gohhgah ulli totah dodah day!” yelled CGI. Somehow, everything he said wasn’t convincing. His words didn’t hold any real power or threat. His speeches were lifeless. He was a doll for SaurJong-un, and his conviction was clearly lacking.
“Go away! No one likes you or cares that you are here,” said Boring Brokenshield. They had a battle or something, but it was unmemorable, and CGI left looking less real than he did before.
Grandpa, having heard voices in his head, wandered off alone and the troupe of idiots got lost in a forest. Giant spiders appeared, making only the second time their journey had been somewhat interesting.
“Giiiiive us Dat Riiiiiinnng!” screeched the spider guy thing. “I waaaaaant to sellllllll it on Craaaaaiigggsssliiiiiiiistttt!”
“NEVER!” yelled Behlboah, who proceeded to stab spider person insect to death. “EBAY HAS BETTER — USER RATINGS!”
After the murder, Behlboah had a reflective moment over his obsession with the recently acquired Great Goblins merch. If he were an actor, this “scene” would have been one of the best of the adventure. Alas, there were not many and it was unfortunately out of his hands.
“I have a bad feeling things are about to get boring on this super long journey we are having,” said Behlboah. Sadly, he was correct. Door attempted to say something, but no one listened. Also, no one was sure it was Door because it could have been Darfur. They all looked the same and had no distinguishable personality traits or uniqueness about them.
Truly, the story got boring. They were captured by Elves but escaped rather quickly via whitewater rafting. Orcs also arrived again, this time lead by CGI’s son, Candall Geffurii Indullson, known in the lands as CGI Jr., to stop them from seeing The Interview, the quest which had long been forgotten at this point. Jr. also suffered from a horrible lack of convincing rhetoric and the battle played out much like his father’s: dull and lifeless. Fat Person, a Dwarf for those of you who had forgotten, rolled a lot, which children would have found hilarious. Everyone else would have rolled their eyes and said, “Fuckin’ Fat Person, why.” Killme, another forgettable Dwarf, utterly useless and pointless up until this moment, was injured by CGI Jr. He told everyone there was a girl elf that “totally wanted deez nuts” but the company of Dwarves disputed her existence.
Later, a human named Human took the band of halfwits to a town near the theater. Everyone there wanted to see the film movie thing, so the Dwarves and Behlboah agreed to buy them all tickets. They trekked to the theater only to find a giant dragon, Smotioncapture, blocking their way.
“The fabled tickets to The Interview are MINE! Be gone, foolish mortals!” snarled the dragon beast animal creature.
“Your leader is a dickless worm. Also, how is a giant dragon still boring?” said Behlboah, accurately.
“WHAT THE FUCK YOU ASSHOLE, I’M GOING TO BURN THAT TOWN BECA– USE I’M A DRAGON WITH TEMPER ISSUES!”
With that, Smotioncapture flew out of the theater, intent on killing people no one had any attachment to whatsoever. For some reason, people were supposed to care.
“What have we done…” uttered Behlboah, watching the dragon person fly away. “This could have been a three hour trip…”
Smotioncapture died about five minutes later, thanks to Human, but not before he murdered a billion people. With the dragon beast dead, everyone from across Center-place Home Land Security now had access to free tickets for a hot new film. A battle, perhaps consisting of several armies, was brewing.
Elsewhere, Grandpa had done nothing of value. Captured by CGI and SaurJong-un himself, he was pretty useless. His live-in girlfriend, Gallallalldellall, arrived with people who also didn’t need to be there, slowing their journey even more. Once freed, Grandpa made his way to where everyone was to tell them CGI had plans to stop the release of The Interview with threats of terror.
He then arrived and said exactly those words.
“I am dumb and bad and also dumb. I will never share my tickets! All the tickets are for ME!” yelled a deranged Boring Brokenshield, whose full name was used at every occasion possible. He walked around his throne pretending he was cool.
“But Boring!” belched some Dwarf no one remembered. “It’s the season of giving!”
Human arrived with Grandpa and lots of Elves, who also wanted tickets, and spoke as well. “Will you have Chrimbus? Or war?”
“Fuck your Chrimbus. I will have war!”
And so humans, Elves and Dwarves all came together to battle over tickets to The Interview. However, before that battle began, another one started when the Orcs arrived, intent on stopping anyone from viewing the film.
Lots of things died. Eagles appeared for three seconds, along with BadaCasting and his friend, Bear Person, who was in the story early on but was so boring it just made more sense to forget his part. Killme continued to say there was a female Elf and everyone continued to not believe him. Other Dwarves did shit, but no one remembered or paid any attention, so it didn’t matter. The Elven Prince Duplodos also made an appearance, being cool but mostly unneeded. He also brushed off the existence of a female Elf. In the end, the Orcs were driven away, back to their homeland of Morborea. Humans, Elves and Dwarves all came together, finally, to watch The Interview and celebrate a most happy Chrimbus.
“Sorry everyone! Very, very sorry!” a weak looking individual said, meekly. He appeared to have no spine, and was especially frail and sad looking. “I represent The Sony. We’ve decided to cancel the release of The Interview in theaters. Too many terror plots from SaurJong-un. It is streaming online though!” As he finished speaking, he literally crumpled on the floor and died. He was that pathetic and easily scared.
“Well, fuck me,” shouted Behlboah. The Dwarves all stood in a line and nodded in agreement. The Hobbit then left, intent on streaming what he knew would be a six out of ten, but needing to see it just out of principle at this point. It was much like his own nine hour shitfest of an “adventure” that had just occurred.
Grandpa waved and smiled. “Happy Chrimbus young Behlboah. Journey safely!”
The Dwarves waved goodbye, already fading from everyone’s memory. Who were they? Did anyone care? No. They were already dead to all who had seen their faces. Even Santa forgot them.
Sixty years later, Behlboah sat in his room writing a book about his past. It was concise, to the point, and well written. Nothing like the quest he had so long ago.
“Yikes,” Behlboah said, thinking on his past expedition. “Yikes.”
He then put on sunglasses and turned to the audience. As he did, a song began to rise in the background. It got louder, and louder, and louder. He nodded, slowly.
“Merrold Chrimbus.” he said to absolutely no one. The screen then turned red.