So I think I have a problem.

Amiibo, for those of you who are smart and don’t know, are Nintendo’s near-field communication devices in the form of little figurines.  Here are some of them lined up in a cool picture:

So pretty.

Their use varies from game to game, but essentially it boils down to a statue with DLC.  You place the figure on the Wii U GamePad or 3DS for added content, often in the form of costumes for things like Mario Kart 8 and Yoshi’s Woolly World or a sparring partner that you can use in battle for Super Smash Bros. For Wii U.  So far, their usefulness is debatable.  You never feel like you really need them for the games they apply to as it rarely adds anything very interesting.

Why, then, do I own this many of them?

Amiibo Tower of Sadness in the lowest possible resolution.

Yikes.  Not sure what’s scarier, the Amiibo Tower or the quality of these photos.

Why.  I have well over 50 Amiibo at this point.  That means I’ve spent AT LEAST 650 dollars.  On toys.  That I have not even opened.  I don’t get it, but I’m seriously compelled to buy them all.  I don’t even have a display case for them and I literally cover them with a blanket to avoid having to explain what they are to people who don’t know.

Hide my shame.  And get me a new phone.

It’s like collecting Pokémon, but it costs a lot more money and I’m not sure I’m actually having any fun.  What’s worse, I had no intention to buy any of these when they were first announced.  Sure, I thought they looked cool as hell when I saw them, but I didn’t believe the application would be worth the investment.  However true that thought may or may not have turned out to be, it didn’t really matter because LOOK WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED.

It all started so innocently, too.  I was given a Kirby and Yoshi Amiibo from two separate people for Christmas last year.  They are the only two I’ve opened, and after stumbling into a Toys R Us a few days later and finding a “Buy 1 Get 1 Half Off” sale going on for Amiibo, I knew my fate was fucking sealed.  I probably bought eight that day, and then the hunt to catch back up filled my body.  A weird sense of collection was needed.  At first, I only wanted Smash Bros. related Amiibo.  I broke that rule to get Toad, because seriously, look at him.

Ohhh no…you’ve spent more money!

However, the rest of the Super Mario set is just uglier, shittier versions of their Smash Bros. counterparts.  I figured I was good.  Then the Splatoon ones came out.  Here’s how that went when I stopped by GameStop to literally preorder goddamn toys:

“Psh, that’s stupid as hell.  I don’t even own that game yet.  Just the Smash Bros. ones please.”

“So did you want the Splatoon ones, too?”

“Yeah, sure, fuck it.”

It’s a disease.  I cannot stop myself.  And now there’s Animal Crossing ones?  Fuck you Nintendo, QUIT IT.  I love that series, and every single one of them has an adorable level of 11/10, but there’s no reason for me to buy them.  I don’t have New Leaf yet and Happy Home Designer is kind of a bust, so why bother right?

So I bought Tom Nook, Mable, and Lottie.

Here’s the real issue with that: besides already spending over 40 dollars on plastic that I have not opened, I now feel more compelled to buy the rest of the Animal Crossing related Amiibo.  The only reason I’ve stopped myself from buying the three-pack with K.K. Slider is because it’s 30 dollars and Christmas is coming up.  Even Chibi-Robo has one, and the 3DS game is garbage!  AND YET I STILL WANT IT.  Look at this stupid fucking thing.

BEEP BOOP I’M A HORRIBLE CHARACTER! But you’ll still buy me!

It’s dumb and bad and dumb, but my inner completionist screams that it MUST be bought.  The only thing I haven’t done is buy these toys from a third party seller at a higher price point.  Harder to find Amiibo, like Pit or Robin, I still don’t have and likely won’t for quite some time.  It sucks, but I have enough willpower,  just enough, to not buy them at gouge-my-dick prices when I can simply wait.  Rarities like Marth and Villager finally got restocked, so I’m hoping the same thing happens with the others.

Now they’re also releasing cards.  They do the same thing as regular Amiibo only they’re far less interesting and, so far, only based around Animal Crossing.  Thankfully, I think that’s a non-issue for me.  Cards are cool, but only if your art is like Magic: The Gathering.  This art…

…is fine?  I guess?  Plus, it’s booster packs, so I can’t just buy the ones I want.  It’s all random chance.  And at six bucks a pack for six cards?  I think I’m good.

I mean…for now…depends on what kind of cards they release later…might wanna…might wanna just get one pack down the road…

help me…help me please…