New Spider-Man Movie Pretty Good, Angry Nerds Pissed

Cynical nerds everywhere were baffled last week when Spider-Man: Homecoming turned out to actually be pretty good.

“Ever since the teaser trailer dropped I’ve been waiting to hate-watch this thing,” grumbled Danny Goodman.  “If I’d known it would actually be a coming-of-age tale filled with humor, action and heart, I never would have pre-ordered tickets for opening night and the following 3 days.”

James O’Brien was particularly upset about Tom Holland’s portrayal of the webslinger, particularly how likable and relatable the character was.

“He was just real, so courageous and tough but at the same time timid and vulnerable — it’s hard to work that into my usual social media tirades, you know?”

Other angry nerds were similarly irritated at how Peter Parker seemed like a real kid at the beginning of an exciting but daunting journey.

“He’s so excited about his powers, getting to help others and the idea of becoming a real superhero,” whined Johnny Amos. “But at the same time, you can tell he’s scared, and he screws up all the time. He’s getting in way over his head, and he knows it.”

Amos then threw what remained of his jumbo popcorn on the ground in protest, before skulking off to sneak into another showing later that day in a desperate attempt to confirm his theory that Parker is actually a two-dimensional caricature of a person, rather than a well-written character who is a genuinely whole person as Peter and as Spider-Man.

When asked about other characters in the movie, 35-year-old Larry Thompson begrudgingly admitted that although some secondary characters are fairly two-dimensional, they all nevertheless have their own characteristics that make them likable and entertaining to watch.

“Laura Harrier’s character Liz is in some ways your standard love interest, but you also get the sense that she’s got other things going on in her life beyond Peter,” said Thompson, shrugging, “I guess if you want a character who is sympathetic and kind to the hero but sees through him enough not to get swept up in his bullshit, you’d like her, I guess.”

Other characters, such as snarky outsider Michelle, struck most nerds as being frustratingly endearing and fun to watch.

“As a former fat nerd myself, I can’t believe that the character of Ned was so funny and a joy on screen without weighing heavily on stereotypes about fat kids, nerds, or people of color,” grumbled Donny Cruz. “I had an entire post about racism and fat shaming ready to go on my blog, so the fact that Ned added so much to the film as Peter’s makeshift sidekick is really going to throw my followers for a loop.”

Nerds in general were equally surprised to discover that they liked the movie’s antagonist.

“I know that when my friends and I heard Adrian Toomes, the Vulture, would be the main villain, we couldn’t have been happier,” Brian Powell sighed wistfully. “You can imagine how depressing it is to us that Michael Keaton turned a B-List, cheeseball villain into a realistic threat for the modern day.”

He went on to mutter that scenes depicting Parker and Toomes facing off were almost hard to watch, given Toomes’ intensity and confidence as compared to Parker’s innocent uncertainty. “It really reminded you that Peter was just a kid trying to figure things out and this guy scares the hell out of him.”

When asked about the presence of Tony Stark in the film, most angry nerds refused to make eye contact while grumbling that Robert Downey Jr.’s character was mostly in the background as a distant mentor/father figure, allowing the weight of the story to be carried by Peter Parker alone.

“I don’t think Marvel took into account how little I’d have to Tweet about when they made this story,” Kevin Jacobs later posted on his Facebook feed. “I find it pretty irresponsible that the references to other Marvel movies only serve to ground the story firmly in the Marvel Cinematic Universe and don’t even feel like they were shoe-horned in to plug future movies.”

Leaving the theater feeling dejected, Mike Holmes admitted that he would probably be giving Spider-Man: Homecoming a 4 out of 5 on Rotten Tomatoes but wouldn’t be telling his friends about it.

“It really pissed me off how this movie sucked me in. Marvel and Sony had no right to make me feel something for this character.”

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