6 Ways Goku Is A Shitty Dad

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Oh Dragon Ball. You tend to present Goku as this Buddha-like man of peace, who only fights to save his friends and family and also because he kind of loves it. But when the fight is over, how is he at home, actually raising his kids? When you think about it, the job he does as a dad is pretty terrible.

 


1) He Never Teaches His Son Instant Transmission, Or Really Anything


Goku knows an incredible range of world-crushing techniques. The Kaioken. The Kamehameha. The Spirit Bomb. Each of them has, at one point or another, been the difference between victory and defeat. So which ones does he pass on to his son Gohan?

Whoa man. Pass fighting techniques on to his son? Don’t you know Goku is hungry, and doesn’t have time to both eat and teach his own flesh and blood the techniques that could one day save his life?

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“Are you going to eat that bone?”

No omission is worse, though, than not passing on Instant Transmission. It’s basically a way to teleport anywhere you can picture in your mind. You can go anywhere on Earth – anywhere in the universe – faster than Donald Trump can blow up his chances of being taken seriously as a Presidential candidate.

There are an uncountable number of times when Gohan might have found this useful. Fighting Cell, fighting Buu. Hell, just going to high school in a city several hundred miles from his forest-hermit family house. Too bad, Gohan.

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I’m kidding of course. We were never going to take Donald Trump seriously.

 


2) Goku Skips Out On Raising His Kids To Punch Dead People


After dying in the fight with Cell, Goku waits until his friends have gathered all the Dragon Balls to wish him back to let them know, “Hey, don’t bother.” He gives them some shit about how he thinks he attracts bad guys, but get real. Kicking off that season, someone actually came to see Goku from a fucked-up dystopian hell-future and told him the only thing keeping Earth from being crushed by karate-Terminators was Goku staying alive. So we know that reason is a load.

In fact, as far as we can tell, Goku loves being dead. In all the episodes we see him battling other dead people, he never spares half a thought for his grieving family – he’s too busy enjoying fighting giant caterpillars from another galaxy.

It’s just awfully suspicious that as soon as fatherhood looked less like preparing every day for a robot-punching contest and more like helping your son with his homework, suddenly it’s all, “I will heroically stay dead! And also have a great time!”

"I'm literally the only person who's not sad! But what a sacrifice!"

“I’m literally the only person who’s not sad! But what a sacrifice!”

 


3) Goku Can Speak to his Family from Other World But Never Bothers


Goku’s mentor/otherworldly landlord, King Kai, has psychic powers that allow him to put two people in direct telepathic communication easier than you use Skype. Goku can put a hand on Kai’s shoulder at any moment and be put in instant contact with his family. From the day he dies to the day he is resurrected, Earth’s greatest hero checks in on his family a total of 0 times.

He doesn’t even bother to have King Kai check in on them. Goku shows up for the World Martial Arts Tournament after seven years being dead, and he has no idea that he has another son (did I mention he impregnated Chi Chi before he decided to just not come back to life?)

"Wow, I bet raising him was hard!"

“Wow, I bet raising him was hard!”

 


4) Goku Only Comes Back for a Fighting Tournament


After seven years of punching ghosts in the afterlife, Goku hears about the World Martial Arts tournament and says “Yeah, I’d like to come back for that.” The guy’s family hasn’t seen him in nearly a decade, but he only decides to make a day back on Earth happen when there’s a fighting tournament to be had. Goku sees his wife for a total of two minutes before his day is up on Earth.

Probably just don't bother.

Probably just don’t bother.

 


5) Gohan Tries To Hug His Dad And Goku Just Isn’t Having It


This literally happens.

"Don't be gay, son."

“Don’t be gay, son.”

 


6) Goku Thinks It’s Awesome His Eight-Year-Old Son Is Traumatized


Goku, as the original Super-Saiyan, knows better than anyone how to achieve the universe’s most legendary transformation – through serious emotional trauma. Goku himself only achieved the state when facing the threat of the entire Earth being destroyed (presumably, this was less about losing his family and friends and more about losing everyone he might one day fight there). When Frieza killed Krillin, one of Goku’s earliest sparring partners who Goku now continues to drag around like a little Oscar, he finally explodes in what was the most exciting moment of the year 2000 if you were still in middle school.

In fact, any Saiyan with a good therapist will never reach his full potential.

In fact, any Saiyan with a good therapist will never reach his full potential.

So when Goku sees that his eight-year-old son has the ability to go Super-Saiyan, his first instinct should have been “Holy shit what has your mother been doing to you?” Had he asked, he might have discovered she had been beating “training” him. Instead, his only reaction is “Sweet! My son has emotional trauma powers!”

Goku you are truly the worst. As a father you are truly…under 9000.

Oh I went there.

Oh I went there.

10 thoughts on “6 Ways Goku Is A Shitty Dad”

  1. Zack Fair says:

    The writer of this article might just be one of the dumbest people I’ve ever seen online. You didn’t actually watch the show did you? You didn’t read the manga either, that’s for sure. Honestly I’d take this article down if I were you. People are destroying you on Reddit because literally every single “point” of yours is incorrect. Like it’s not even close to being the reality. You just sound like a fool here.

    1. David says:

      Harsh, Zack! But you’re entitled to your opinion.

      You’re right that I haven’t read the manga, but I am a huge fan of the TV show, and have been for years!

      A few people on Reddit do seem pretty riled up about my humble article, don’t they? It’s understandable, since Goku is a beloved character, but it certainly wasn’t my intention. I love Goku, and this is just a side to his character that I find hilarious and I wanted to share that with people.

      It’s too bad this article didn’t land with you, but we’re actually doing a week of Dragon Ball here on Geek Melee to celebrate the release of Dragon Ball Super, and my compatriot just today posted a comparison of the Japanese and English soundtracks. I hope that article will be a little more to your liking!

      1. Roy Mustang says:

        David, the issue is that all of your information here is incorrect. Here is a comment from Reddit that pretty much sums things up.

        “He Never Teaches His Son Instant Transmission, Or Really Anything”

        He didn’t teach anyone Instant Transmission. By Goku’s admission, it wasn’t an easy technique to learn.
        In response to teaching Gohan, I wonder whom he learned the Kamehameha from.

        “No omission is worse, though, than not passing on Instant Transmission. It’s basically a way to teleport anywhere you can picture in your mind. You can go anywhere on Earth – anywhere in the universe”

        Except Goku can’t, at all.

        “Goku Skips Out On Raising His Kids To Punch Dead People”

        Because by Goku’s admission, Goku is a “bad guy magnet” and being on Earth would just put it in more danger. Bulma and Kaio agreed with him and his decision.

        “He gives them some shit about how he thinks he attracts bad guys, but get real. Kicking off that season, someone actually came to see Goku from a fucked-up dystopian hell-future and told him the only thing keeping Earth from being crushed by karate-Terminators was Goku staying alive.”

        And the timeline was changed as a result. That excuse doesn’t apply, especially since Goku still couldn’t defeat any of them until 4 years of training later.

        “Goku Can Speak to his Family from Other World But Never Bothers”

        That wouldn’t be really dead though, now would it? It’s like constantly having a voice in your head reminding you your husband/father is dead and there’s nothing you can do to change it.

        “Goku Only Comes Back for a Fighting Tournament”

        Yeah, damn that Goku, coming to an event that Gohan, Vegeta, Goten, and all his friends were willingly able to go to, an event all of them enjoys. He should be stoned!

        “Gohan Tries To Hug His Dad And Goku Just Isn’t Having It”

        Only in the anime. Next (He actually does hug him in the manga)

        “Goku Thinks It’s Awesome His Eight-Year-Old Son Is Traumatized”

        Only in the anime, and regardless, Goten and Trunks were able to become Super Saiyans because they had the natural talent to do so. Notice how Trunks can do the same and no one mentions Vegeta being a bad father?
        Hopefully you read through this and at least try and understand how trash this is. It’s not even about being fans of Goku, it’s about being fans of the series in general, and what you’ve listed sounds like something someone would say if they barely paid any attention to the series.

        1. David says:

          Hey Roy! I understand how you feel. A lot of us have grown up with Dragon Ball and so the series and its characters can feel very personal. However, I wouldn’t say someone who came away with a different take on a character is any less of a fan. And hey, let’s not forget this is a humor article!

          We’ll have to agree to disagree on the veracity of my points on the series. In fact, the idea for this article came to me while I was re-watching the series in preparation for Resurrection ‘F,’ so this is all very fresh for me! If you’ll check the Reddit thread again, you’ll find most of these points already addressed.

          And don’t forget, Dragon Ball week continues on Geek Melee, and since you’re obviously a big fan of the show I’ll hope you’ll check out some of the other stuff we have on offer. We’ve just today released a review of the first episode of Dragon Ball Super, so maybe that’s something you’ll enjoy more!

    2. GodModeGOD says:

      Zach Bell: >various
      I don’t know about all that, but Vegeta is undefeated against Goku. Indeed, he’s the superior father, husband, friend, lover, hero, etc. by series end (as compared to the MC). Not that this is much of a standard to measure up to.

      Davie: >haven’t read the manga
      Rest at ease. I have (multiple times, critically for the purpose of analysis and argument). And you’re absolutely right.

      >beloved character
      They certainly love their version of him. Not for who he is, but what they want him to be. Thanks Funi. Bastardizing him even more than the non-canon adaptation had already really made the difference for his likeability (Superman-lite was the way to sell this idiot MC).

      Roy: >wonder who
      Fucking nobody. That’s who. Know why? Kamehameha is shit tier (something the author here was wrong to fluff up for you clowns). A mere 2.22x modifier is all it is (and that’s canon). GG? Over 2.93x (SBC was 3.26x). Dodon Ray was better upon introduction (and Roshi compared his 50 year legacy to Tri-Beam as being “dog piss”). Gohan didn’t need to be taught that bullshit (even a fool like Goku didn’t).

      >not easy to learn
      For a moron like him. Doesn’t help that he never used his multiple years of time to even try. Speaking of learning things, know what Goku failed to do? Learn ki sensing on his own. He just drank poison (SKW). Speaking of shortcuts, he never became able to force Oozaru (much less control it even to the extent Gohan would *much less his Prince*). The divine drank gave him that passively, too. Must be nice getting these hand-outs and the fans just ignorantly turn a blind eye to it. Probably for being as lacking mentally as their precious vassal (the eternal Carrot).

      >Goku’s admission
      Don’t play yourself, sport. FPSS blown away by Semi-Perfect Cell? Horse shit. He let it happen. He had plenty of time to warp away, even. Not even like it was in space (air abound). His magical thinking and paranoia is just a ruse cruise when he sells them cheap words (not unlike ‘making a new protector’ with the little brown boy he runs off with in EoZ).

      >wouldn’t really be dead
      Do you hear yourself? This aside, being alive is no different for these interpersonal relationships. He happily ignores his oldest and best friend for a decade and thinks nothing of it.

      >barely paid attention
      Boy, you’ve much to learn about DB. Fortunately for you, I’ve much to teach. Have another fun fact, why don’t you? Gohan is stronger than Goku can ever be. Canon now and forever.

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  4. Sangmontt says:

    Wow people can’t take a joke anymore and are getting personally offended on Reddit… Big time lol

    1. Drew says:

      Sometimes the cold, hard facts are too much to take…

  5. baltimore ravens 47 says:

    “The best argument yet for giving him the job full-time, unless we lose tomorrow in which case it was idiotic.”

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