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Geek Melee’s website Tech-Lord Jon the First and its premiere Poet of Poop Jokes David got together to come to an agreement on what was the scariest, and the spoopiest, movie to watch for Halloween 2016. Their only criteria: they had to be the best movies to watch right now, uniquely suited to viewing at this moment in history. And two things happened.

First, they did not come to any agreements whatsoever. So each guy made his own pick for each category. And secondly, they got hopelessly off course on every discussion. And really,  neither of them knows a whole lot about horror movies in the first place.

So keep your hands inside the cart, and get ready for a spooOOOooky ride into hopelessly meandering irrelevance!

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Part I: The Spoopiest Movie for Halloween 2016

David: I already know my pick for this. Casper, with Christina Ricci and Bill Pullman. 

David: It’s time. It’s fun, and we’ve kind of forgotten it and it’s time to rediscover it. We just had this new Ghostbusters shit, so that little Dan Akroyd cameo will land as well right now as it ever will. It’s fun, it’s spoopy, it’s perfect. 

Jon: That’s actually a really good pick.

David: The music is great. Interesting fact about me: I hear that sad piano melody from that movie in my head something like once every month.

Jon: That’s weird.

David: Interesting fact about Casper: I remember reading that whatever company holds the rights to Casper says he never died. He was actually born a ghost.

Jon: Interesting.

David: Yeah, I guess, if by “interesting” you mean “bullshit.” I know Casper is for really young kids and all, but kids know things die. I saw the movie when I was a kid, saw the whole bit about how Casper was out in the cold and got sick and just died. It was fine. That didn’t just destroy me.

DAVID’S SPOOPIEST: CASPER

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Jon: I haven’t made my pick yet. Did you ever see Death Becomes Her, this shitty comedy with Meryl Streep?

David: Yes!

Jon: I don’t even remember exactly what it’s about…

David: They’re dead but they’re immortal.

Jon: Right.

David: They don’t die but they don’t heal.

Jon: She gets a hole in the stomach but she’s fine? The injuries stayed with them, and somehow…it was fine.

David: That movie actually freaked me out as a kid. I just thought about watching yourself slowly fall apart over time. That movie was my introduction to body horror.

Jon: Dang. Movie cut you deep, man.

David: It did.

Jon: I remember watching the Scooby-Doo movie, but that was a piece of shit. Can’t recommend that.

David: The cartoons are still good.

Jon: Scary Movie. The original Scary Movie. I feel like they went downhill after that.

David: Well, the first two were rated R.

Jon: And they made it so raunchy and funny. I’m sure it’s partly because I was young and like, “this movie is so edgy!” But also, the R rated comedy wasn’t as common as it is today.

David: Remember there was that part with Carmen Electra losing all her clothes and running through the sprinklers?

Jon: Yeah, making fun of Scream. Totally ridiculous.

David: I had a huge crush on Carmen Electra.

Jon: I think that was every guy who grew up in the 90s.

David: You saw Baywatch, you had a crush on Carmen Electra.

Jon: Beetlejuice. I actually watched that movie so many times as a kid.

David: It didn’t scare you?

Jon: No, it was just strange.

David: It’s weird to watch Stranger Things and think Wynona Ryder is playing the mom instead of the gothy teen.

Jon: Oh wow. It is. I wonder if our parents went through this, where the actors they’re watching are young and then oh, now you’re a grandpa.

David: Tim Burton is so lucky Halloween exists. People wouldn’t know what to do with him otherwise.

Jon: I want to be the Tim Burton of another holiday. I just want everyone to totally associate me with Thanksgiving or something.

JON’S SPOOPIEST: BEETLEJUICE

Part II: The Best Scary Movie to Watch in 2016

David: I’m completely biased on this one, but my pick for the scary movie to see in 2016 is It. Everyone has that one scary movie they saw when they were way too young, and for me it was fucking Pennywise. I was afraid of baths for a long time after that movie, I barely even remember why.

Jon: Damn.

David: But also, I think now is just an especially good time to see it. They’re doing that remake, and this is sort of the last chance to see It before a new movie comes out and sort of changes the cultural context. It’s your last chance to see it before you’re always comparing it to something else.

Jon: That makes a lot of sense.

David: What’s weird is, that’s my traumatizing scary movie and I don’t have a fear of clowns. You know some people just can’t stand clowns, and sometimes they’re a little creepy but mostly I just don’t care.  

Jon: What if you just unlock your fear of clowns by watching.

David: Mmmmno.

Jon: Like this is part of why you can’t remember parts of it, you’ve just deeply repressed your fear of clowns. And as soon as you remember the movie it’s just going to come bursting out of you like a Chestburster from Alien.

David: Goddamnit, Jon, no. Fuck. I’m totally going to have a phobia of clowns after this movie, aren’t I. God damnit.

Jon: Yes. Yes you are.

DAVID’S SCARIEST: IT

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Jon: Remember Dreamcatcher by Stephen King? Scary, but it wasn’t absolutely make you jump out of your skin scary. It was just weird scary.

David: That the one where the balls with mouths that eat time?

Jon: …No.

David: I haven’t seen it, then.

Jon: Halloween was the one I’ve seen a few times. Halloween was my movie I saw when I was way too young. For some dumb reason my parents let me watch it and it scared the shit out of me. I thought every time I walked around a corner I was gonna see Mike Myers slowly walking toward me…Something about the villain not talking just terrifies me. So Halloween scared me the most. Less Nightmare on Elm Street, just cause he talks so much.

David: I just never found Nightmare on Elm Street that scary. I think I saw it too late, in my late teens. So it was like, dreams? Dreams aren’t scary. I was like Jennifer Connelly in Labyrinth, “You have no power over me!” Fucking dreams? Get the fuck out of here. People should just watch that Rick and Morty episode instead.

Jon: Yes! I love that he goes home and he has this whole family.  

David: Halloween is sort of just the perfect prototypical Halloween movie. He’s an intruder, he’s big, he’s unstoppable. It’s that primal fear.

Jon: My house was laid out so you’d turn and see these large rooms and long halls. I was terrified of walking around my house at night for a while. I just did not want to find Mike Myers standing around in the house.

David: I can absolutely relate to this. You know who I was afraid of like that as a kid? Goro. From Mortal Kombat.

Jon: Really?

David: You know that scene in the movie where Johnny Cage punches Goro in the crotch, then runs up to the cliff overlooking the swirling abyss?

Jon: Yeah.

David: I dreamed I was Johnny Cage, and I got that far. But the cliff was overlooking the abyss on one side, and on the other the fighting ring was only one story below? So I saw Goro recover and go into the tunnel to start up the stairs, and I lost my nerve and jumped back down. And for some reason there were these regular public bathrooms in Mortal Kombat world? So I went in the girls’ bathroom because, you know, he would never look for me in there. And I just locked myself in a stall and pulled my feet up, and I could hear him stomping around outside going “WHERE IS HE??” I was terrified of finding Goro in my house for months after that.

Jon: Damn. How old were you?

David: 24.

Jon: Okay. Good. Yeah, Halloween just got this deep-rooted seed in me. I’m still like that with horror movies, I get in my own head. I can watch 20 minutes of a horror movie on TV and I am fucking terrified for months. I don’t want to be alone in the house….That’s weird now that I think about it, this is like a therapy session for me. If I’m in another place it’s fine, but if I’m at home, that’s where it freaks me out the most because there’s something waiting to kill me and it’s probably been waiting all day. FUCK horror movies. They’re the worst.

David: That’s what scary movies do, at their core. They attack your safe spaces.

Jon: Did you ever see the prequel to Silence of the Lambs? Red Dragon?

Jon: There’s a scene toward the end where the main guy gets inside the house and Edward Norton realizes oh shit he’s in the house and his son is inside by himself. But it’s the same type of thing where he looks under the crack and sees the footsteps down the hallway – why is there always a long fucking hallway, just, fuck people being in your house.

David: Seriously.

Jon: I think it is exactly that thing, that it’s the place where you’re supposed to feel safest in, and it’s just completely violated and taken away from you. For our next article, I want to do the 7 Scariest Horror Movie Hallways.

JON’S SCARIEST: HALLOWEEN