Pokémania (Part 2) has swept the nation, and millions of people are asking themselves: how can I spend more time playing this ridiculously addictive nostalgia trip? The answer is as blindingly obvious as a Pikachu Thunderbolt. This is a game where your progress is measured by movement, and where do you get the most movement done? I’ll give you a hint: it’s your fucking car.

Vroom vroom, bitches

I know, I know, a lot of Internet nannies and morality police are telling you not to do this because you might crash into a school or whatever. But I thought this was a game about being the very best, not one about doing what The Man tells you.

That said, you are going to need a few accoutrements to get the most out of your time, and remember you’ll need to keep it under 30 mph. Grab yourself a clean air conditioning filter, three rubber bands (extra thick), fingerless driving gloves, a thick hardcover book like a dictionary, a roll of scotch tape for quick fixes, and a steering wheel lock. I know what you’re thinking, and don’t worry; you won’t be using the steering wheel lock to lock your actual steering wheel. That’d be nuts.

It’s more for your phone, really. Oh, and maybe grab an airsoft gun. A little bit of swerving will be inevitable with this tactic, and you may need to ward off other drivers who aren’t giving you the berth deserving of a Pokémon trainer.

“You’re not getting away this time, Snorlax. I don’t care WHAT the ‘No U-Turns’ sign on this highway says!”

So what you’re going to want to do first is–

[David, I appreciate you embraced my suggestion to continue capitalizing on the Pokémon Go interest, but I’m going to have to give you a hard “no” on this one. Driving while playing Pokémon Go or really doing any kind of activity on your phone is dangerous. I’m actually really surprised I even have to articulate this. When you aren’t paying attention to the road, you’re a danger to yourself and others. Sorry, but if I let you post this then I’m implicitly endorsing indefensibly irresponsible driving. Maybe instead you could do something about the media coverage of the game? –Ed.] 

Kotaku Can’t Stop Crying Big, Salty Tears Over Pokémon Go 

We have reached peak snarkiness over Pokémon Go. As bloated stories about the supposed harm being created by the phenomenon have finally died away, clickbaiting game journalists have turned to whining to fill the space. The resulting noise has been like a maternity ward, but instead of actual babies it’s 30-year-old Internet content writers. AKA actual babies.

Exhibit A: Literally this entire article about how the game isn’t tracking this guy’s movements closely enough.  After being sure to cram his bragging about his jogging route and how it’s over 10 km into the front of the article, the guy writes about two dozen paragraphs about how he’s being cheated of egg incubation distance. It’s a rant only about 0.8km short of being a bad Hans and Franz skit. In fact–

[David, I’m going to have to stop you here. You know I’m not opposed to colorful dialectics, God knows I’ve let your Star Wars piece hang like a clove of garlic since nearly the site’s inception. But please, think before attacking 30-year-old Internet content writers, a fraternity in which you yourself are included. And Kotaku has run plenty of objective and even positive pieces talking about Pokémon Go. Finally, didn’t you consider that the tracking accuracy of a game you advance in by moving around would be a subject people might be interested to see a journalistic level of clarity on?  

Look, I may be your boss, but without hopefully being too touchy-feely, I like to think I’m also your friend. So as both your boss and your friend, I have to say the tone of your work since you split with Alyssa has been decidedly negative. Maybe we can pass this assignment to Drew and give you a little free time to process. -Ed.]  

Like, 8 Reasons Team Instinct Counselor Deanna Troi Wannabes Can Mind Their Own Business 

Team Instinct is well known as the least popular of the three teams. Could it be because they lack the courage for commitment? Could it be because they refuse to communicate? Why exactly do they scour everything in their path, and leave behind nothing but broken hearts and song playlists you made just for them that they didn’t even really listen to probably??

1) Just a Total Lack of Character

It’s–

[David, obviously you’re now trying to be personally hurtful. I know you know I play Team Yellow. But I also know this is coming from a place of pain. Clearly Alyssa leaving you has wrought more psychological havoc than I suspected, and I suppose this is partly my fault for not being a more attentive editor. And you know, for that, I apologize. When we forget about the human side to a venture, even a small one like geek content, we lose sight of what we’re in that venture for.  

I think it would be best if you took a little time away from expressing yourself online. I’ll talk to Drew and have him rush that article of his about how he’s afraid if there’s an Amiibo Go game he’ll basically have to cut off his own legs to continue having a normal life. Take a rest, get out in the sun a bit.  

Incidentally, my kid is having his birthday party this weekend, and since they all play Pokémon Go, Beth and I thought it’d be fun to take her and all her friends to that park across the street from you. You know, the one you’ve been gym leader of for nearly a week. Of course, my daughter and all her friends play this game fanatically, so they’re all level 30+ little monsters. And I happen to be Yellow Team because my daughter is Yellow Team, and so are all of her friends, so that gym is going to be more stacked than a reuben from the Katz diner.  

Team Instinct for life, bitch. -Ed.]