A Chrimbus Life Day Gift Of Death And Disappointment: Rogue One In Review
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…
But not too far. We still gotta make money here.
Dr. Scientist Man was living out his days on a farm with his wife and child on the planet Bah’ramu. Orson Kritikal Tu Plott, Director of Death for the Imperial Bad Guy Army that had complete control over the entire galaxy somehow, arrived on Bah’ramu to take Dr. Scientist Man away.
“I need you back at the station to complete the Chrimbus Life Day gift for the Emperor, that CERTAIN THING IN THE SKY EVERYONE REMEMBERS AND LIKES AND CAN/WILL MURDER LOTS OF PEOPLE. I’m not sure why we let you go in the first place honestly,” said Kritikal Tu Plott. Dr. Scientist Man resisted, resulting in the death of his wife, a character that had seriously been considered to be a Jedi and would have made everything terrible. But she died so whatever. Dr. Scientist Man’s daughter, Gin Sortacareso, escaped into a nearby cave, later rescued by an insane man and Chrimbus Life Day gift extremist, Tree Cutter.
Many years later, the Bad Guy Army’s grip on the galaxy had only grown stronger. On a planet with a stupid name, Booty Pilot defected from the Bad Guy Army with the supposed help of Dr. Scientist Man, who had been working for them since his wife’s death. Booty was captured by Tree Cutter and his crew, which made no sense since they were on the same side, but Tree Cutter was literally insane and named after a tool so, yeah, I guess that happened. Instead of just asking him normal questions, Tree Cutter used a fake looking alien creature that can read minds with the side effect that you “might go insane.”
Fine. I mean, why, but fine.
Sometime recently, Gin Sortacareso had been arrested by the Imperial Bad Guy Army. She was then rescued by the I Rebel Buddies with relative ease. At their headquarters on some other dumb planet, she was debriefed and told that she must find Tree Cutter so he can tell them where Dr. Scientist Man was and be returned. During the conversation, a man just sort of just walked in from the shadows. Although some knew him as Bayl “The Bondsman” Organz, he certainly wasn’t introduced and didn’t speak, and although Gin did notice him, she seemed mostly confused and unsure why he was there. After an awkward amount of dialog and a pause, Gin smirked.
“This is a rebellion isn’t it? I reb–” But she was cut off and told not to say such terrible words. Words that someone was paid to write. Paid a lot of credits. An awful lot.
Gin was paired up with I Rebel Buddies Intelligence Officer Cashin’in Diversador and a reprogrammed Imperial Bad Guy Army droid, K-0M3D3. The droid began a long string of mostly funny banter that continued forever. He mentioned how Gin might betray them, but lol. They then arrived on the planet MoreSand and meet the blind spiritual warrior Chyneese Marr’ket and his best friend and mercenary, Gun Guy. Together, they all displayed skills that were cool and unique, surface level as hell, but enjoyable. They were immediately captured by Tree Cutter’s men and taken to his base, but not before running into two characters who “don’t like you very much” so people could point, clap, and remember things from previous Chrimbus Life Day events.
“Oh hey! What’s…uh…what’s been up?” coughed the super weird and unexplained Tree Cutter. “You left me in a bunker you dick,” replied Gin. Tree Cutter tried to make up for being an asshole by showing Gin a hologram of Dr. Scientist Man explaining that, although he had been working for the Imperial Bad Guy Army, he had also been secretly tampering with the new ultimate Chrimbus Life Day gift, making sure that it could be destroyed.
In space, I guess, Director Kritikal Tu Plott was visited by Grand Moff Tarkinit’tufar to see what the delays were on the amazing present for the Emperor. From the moment Tarkinit’tufar entered the light, everything he did became distracting. Something about the way he looked and moved was extremely inhuman, almost as though he was being recreated by a computer and generated graphics. Although they talked about important information like the CERTAIN THING IN THE SKY THAT EVERYONE REMEMBERS AND LIKES AND CAN/WILL MURDER LOTS OF PEOPLE, even going so far as to show off its power on the planet MoreSand to prove the gift was ready for the Emperor, it was all almost muted and hard to follow because every goddamn time Tarkinit’tufar spoke, it was impossible to actually pay attention to what was being said.
“This was a mistake having me here, wasn’t it?” asked an astute and poor recreation of a character we all knew and loved. “It was,” replied Kritikal Tu Plott. “I’m going to go see another character that shouldn’t be in this story now, bye.”
Back on MoreSand, the powerful beam from CERTAIN THING IN THE SKY etc. definitely fucked up everything. The I Rebel Buddies made a daring escape, also bringing along Booty, who was “insane” from the alien thing for about five seconds until he was needed for more plot. Tree Cutter elected to stay behind and die for absolutely no reason.
“Wh…just literally come with us, just walk this way. Walk over here. Why the fuck would you stay?” yelled Gin, wishing she had some gin at this exact moment. “What will you do…when they catch you?” Tree Cutter yelled. Gin stood confused. “I…wh-what?” “What will you do if they break you?!” he yelled back. There was a long pause.
“Fuck it, leave him.” Gin cried. “He’s just saying shit that’s getting cut anyway!”
And so Tree Cutter needlessly died while the others escaped. Kritikal Tu Plott had his command over the ultimate gift taken away by Tarkinit’tufar for kind of terrible reasoning, but it gave him an excuse to see another unnecessary character, Darth Money. The Sith Lord lived on a planet of lava and in a castle that was something out of a Lord of the Rings film. It was dumb. His entrance into a regular room was masturbatory in nature, further ruining his already pointless inclusion.
“Why do you even live here?” asked a kinda-scared-but-shouldn’t-be-because-it-doesn’t-line-up-with-other-things Kritikal Tu Plott. “It’s fuckin’ lava. Didn’t you lose your goddamn limbs and humanity in this hellhole?” Darth Money was menacing and cool, even choking out the Director of Death and saying a witty line at the same time, although it seemed unneeded. His helmet also looked a bit…off. Unsure why. The conversation ended and Kritikal Tu Plott became confused as to why it even happened.
The I Rebel Buddies went to planet EtTu, where Dr. Scientist Man was said to be, but crashed landed because Booty was terrible at everything. Cashin’in Diversador, assigned to kill the Scientist instead of bring him in, couldn’t bring himself to pull the trigger because no one can have depth. I Rebel Buddies, assuming their infiltration failed, sent in reinforcements, but all they wound up doing was accidentally killing Dr. Scientist Man and generally fucking things up. Gin attempted to have a bonding moment with her dying father, but it was unearned.
“No one really knows much about us, do they?” she said to her slowly passing away papa. Dr. Scientist Man nodded, then died. Gin later yelled at Cashin’in for lying, who almost responded with something interesting, like his back story or, you know, plot, but didn’t. They then returned to base in a stolen enemy cargo ship.
A roundtable discussion about stealing the plans for the Chrimbus Life Day gift happened. Several crew members groaned audibly. No one came to a consensus and so, like any real rebellion, they gave up. Gin, being the main character, gathered people up to defy orders and be cool. Perhaps rebel. Booty delivered the title of the story as poorly as humanly fucking possible and more groaning could be heard across the galaxy. Moments later, RJ-D2 and FAN-SERV appeared for five seconds and the groaning hit a fever pitch.
The I Rebel Buddies landed on the planet containing the plans with absolutely no issue. Saving Private Ryan began to happen, and everything became far more interesting. Storming the beach, shooting lots and lots of people, murder, death, etc. Tons of recognizable ships and fighters took to the sky to help the I Rebel Buddies in their quest. None of them mattered, but you could bet credits that they all had a Wookieepeida page.
Cashin’in and Gin dressed up like Imperial Bad Guys, presumably for a heist-like Ocean’s 11 moment, but then just moved around inside a compound which contained what appeared to be an uncountable number of Bad Guy Troopers simply walking in different directions.
“Where the actual fuck are they going?” asked a confused Cashin’in Diversador. “I don’t–what happens in these buildings? Like, there are so many of them and they just…walk around.” Of course, Cashin’in would never have his question answered, and so continued his boring mission. Gin sighed heavily and took a shot of her namesake. Elsewhere, the other members of the I Rebel Buddies all died doing kind of helpful things.
“Bye,” they all said collectively. No one really cared, but people certainly said things like “cool” and “nice” when thinking of their deaths, usually followed by a subtle head nod. Chyneese Marr’ket swung a staff around and pandered. Gun Guy shot a gun. K-0M3D3 made quips and held off forces.
Booty died by a grenade. No one said “cool” or “nice” when they remembered him. Honestly, no one remembered him.
Kritikal Tu Plott showed up to gloat to Gin that the evil side had won when he had no definitive proof that it had happened yet. He was then promptly shot by Cashin’in and left to die for monologuing. With the plans to the CERTAIN THING IN THE SKY etc. finally found, Gin beamed the data up to her I Rebel Buddies. In space, Tarkinit’tufar, still uncanny and terrible to look at, gave the order to fire a death shot from CERTAIN THING IN THE SKY etc. at the compromised base.
“Fuck,” uttered Kritikal Tu Plott as he watched the beam fly directly at him. Gin and Cashin’in went to the beach to watch their impending deaths. “Sure glad we can’t come back for other bullshit,” Gin said softly. Cashin’in nodded as he caught his final monster in Pokémon Go. “Goddamn Pidgey…” he uttered. The shock wave engulfed them both and decent storytelling finally happened, if but for only a brief moment.
Aboard the rebel ship with the newly acquired plans to destroy the Chrimbus Life Day gift, the crew scrambled as their vessel was boarded by Darth Money. Down an empty hallway, ominous breathing filled the room. The unprepared soldiers waited, guns pointed at the darkness, fear striking at their hearts. The story was poised to end here with integrity and restraint.
Just fucking kidding.
A lightsaber ignited because of course it goddamn did and why the fuck would you think you could get out of this story without seeing one. Guns were fired. Lasers were reflected. Soldiers were flung into walls and ceilings. “Ahhhh! I’m enjoying this, very slightly, but I’m also so fucking disappointed and embarrassed that it’s happening,” cried a nameless rebel. Somehow, Darth Money was unable to get back the plans from the hapless idiots and instead watched a small starship escape with them. Inside, the back of another character everyone knew and loved was shown receiving the plans. It was Princess Leelee Organz. Again, the story was ready to end here, especially after not doing so a mere three minutes beforehand.
However, for reasons unknown, she turned her head and showed her entire face. It was strikingly bizarre and unlifelike, much like Tarkinit’tufar. She stared into the void, her dead eyes unmoving and horrible. From the distance, a tune began to rise. Its volume slowly increased. Leelee put hologram sunglasses on her horrendously fake face and nodded.
“Merrold Chrimbus Life Day,” she said to absolutely no one. The screen then turned red.
Somewhere on Earth, Ryan Gosling played piano while Emma Stone sang. They broke into a charming and well choreographed dance number, followed by dialog and phenomenal character building. After a moment, they both stopped and looked forward.
“Go see La La Land you fucking idiots,” Emma said. Gosling struck a chord on the piano and smiled the most likeable smile you’d ever seen. The lights dimmed and the heart of filmmaking continued to beat.