“News”: Half-Life 3 and God We Are So Old Now

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Seriously ancient grandpas watching the Gabe Newell composite interview video on Friday, which spliced together clips over a ten year period of the game guru’s comments on the long-developing Half-Life 2: Episode 3, reminisced about the Half-Life series from like a million years ago. ‘It was really fun,’ said 33-year-old Jake Townsend, a gamer who was basically alive during the Great Depression. ‘It was really cool how the game took you through a whole tour at the beginning.’ Younger gamers may not recall that Townsend is referencing the rail ride in the beginning of the original Half-Life, when the game’s seriously decrepit graphics delighted gamers like woodcuts in Revolutionary times.

“Our goal, really, is to try to have something significant on a monthly basis,” says Newell in a clip in the video taken from an interview in 2005, the same year the original Guitar Hero was released and also the Louisiana Purchase. The video shows Newell’s answers concerning episode 3 evaporating in their confidence over a period of over a decade, during which time Newell himself can be seen withering and petrifying with the passage of time until he is basically a talking oak tree.

Rumors of a full sequel, Half-Life 3, were further boosted this week by a tweet from a fake account posing as Newell, which “confirmed” that the game was in development. The tweet was deleted, but not before fooling Cliff Bleszinksi, a game designer most famous for the Unreal Tournament series which was mostly played by Native Americans as the New World had yet to be colonized.

Readers seeking more information about this story should gather around their grandfathers’ chairs and listen to stories about the olden tymes, when PC games were still largely purchased at physical stores and also butter was fifteen cents a pound.

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