Indiana Jones 5 Announced, Disney Execs Order New Indoor Money Pools

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Disney announced today that work has begun on Indiana Jones 5.

When phoned for comment, 73-year-old Harrison Ford claimed that he was “thirsty” and “just so tired.” He added that he was fairly certain a mid-level Disney executive was hiding in his room at night, whispering at just barely audible levels that he should resume his classic roles.

Disney chairman Alan Horn dismissed the mixed reaction to the previous attempt at revitalizing the franchise. “It’s the bold, fresh strategy here at Disney to just wring dry every intellectual property we can get our hands on,” said Disney chairman Alan Horn. “Like Harrison himself, we plan to run this and many other franchises into the ground.”

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Harrison Ford is expected to reprise the role with the same thrilling physicality

Steven Spielberg rejected suggestions that he was mining his old success to try and re-live his glory days. “We have lots of great new ideas. It’s going to be so great. Just like the old days…” At this point, a misty-eyed Spielberg turned away from press, his iPhone playing Bowling For Soup’s “1985” on repeat.

“You can bet that we’ll be mashing together the most memorable elements from the first three films like cold hamburger meat, ignoring the unpopular one entirely, and slathering on the CGI,” Horn added. “A lot of people will say that the story is nothing but a sad retread of the previous movies, but The Force Awakens reassured us how little that matters.”

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