A New Hope For Life Day – Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens In Review

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(SPOILERS ABOUND IN THIS REVIEW!  May the Force be with you.)

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…

It was Life Day.  However, unlike most other holidays celebrated throughout the galaxy, this particular one had not been celebrated in over ten years.  Races of all kinds were worried, and rightfully so.  The last three celebrations were disastrous, creating a rift within the universe and causing the famous hero and savior of the galaxy, Jukebox, to vanish.  Would this one be as good as they wanted?  Would it just be a rehash of old times with no new substance?  Only time would tell.

In Jukebox’s absence, the sinister First Order Of Business, FOOB, somehow managed to crop up and gather eight billion recruits to dress like Nazis.  FOOB had heard the rumblings of another Life Day and were intent on stopping it from happening.  Jukebox was the main target, as they knew he would bring the most joy if he were found.  General Leelee Organz, leader of the Life Day Buddies, sent her best pilot and world famous guitar player, Doh’ Hammer-On, to the distant planet of Tatoo-I MEAN JakkUoff.  Accompanying him on the journey was a galactic reporter, Audi Yence, who wanted to document the experience of the resurrected Life Day firsthand.

Once at JakkUoff, they met Max Von Sydow in hopes of gathering information on Jukebox.

“Here,”  said Max Von Sydow, handing over the plot device before being killed by Darth Va-I MEAN Ryu Kenn, the powerful but unstable Sith from FOOB.  Hammer-On hid the plot device inside of a droid, Butterfinger BB’s, who escaped the entire mess unseen while Hammer-On was taken captive.

Fuck your Life Day.

Fuck your Life Day.

“I like this!  It feels familiar!”  said an excited and giddy Audi Yence while being dragged off in cuffs.

A lone Stormtrooper, FU-1977, decided randomly that he now does want Life Day to occur and cannot bring himself to continue the work of FOOB, maybe, because we don’t know him at all.  Ryu Kenn noticed this odd hesitation, but didn’t do anything about it because whatever, who cares.  On the FOOB spaceship place, Ryu Kenn extracted info from Doh’ and learned of Butterfinger BB’s and the plot device he carried.  A super unique Stormtrooper, Captain Merchandise, appeared to say one or two pointless things before leaving.

“Hope she comes back!”  whispered Audi Yence, almost sadly.

You can pick up the action figure at your local Walmart!

You can pick up the action figure at your local Walmart!

FU-1977, wanting to turn from FOOB and bring back Life Day, broke Doh’ from his cell and the pair escaped in a Bow TIE Pasta fighter, only to be downed five minutes later and land back on JakkUoff, but not before Hammer-On gave his escape partner the nickname Fuhkit.  Hammer-On was nowhere to be found, but Audi Yence knew he was alive because of trailers.  Elsewhere on the planet, Ray Tu Gud, a scavenger (among other things), came in contact with Butterfinger BB’s.  Soon after, Fuhkit found her, with the army of FOOB hot on their tail.

“Let’s escape on this conveniently placed ship!”  yelled Fuhkit, trying not to get killed.  “I’m fine with that, just don’t hold my hand!”  spouted Ray Tu Gud.  “It’s just that it’s dirty.  Sorry, I didn’t get a chance to shower today…”  Fuhkit grimaced at the thought of touching a girl’s dirty hands.  Audi Yence, recognizing the ship as the Millennium Falcon, pooped all over the ground with elation.  “I KNOW THAT SHIP, I KNOW IT AND THEREFOR LIKE IT MORE!”  the reporter yelled like an idiot.

Although she had never piloted the Falcon before, Ray Tu Gud was suddenly an expert and escaped the Bow TIE Pasta fighters with little issue.  “You are good at many things!”  stated Fuhkit, grabbing her hands.  “I know!  Also, ew, don’t touch my hands, they’re dirty af remember?”  Fuhkit recoiled in disgust while Audi Yence groaned audibly.

Fifteen seconds later, the Falcon broke down and was immediately found by a freighter flown by previous owner Ban Bolo, an old smuggler and aficionado of bolo ties, and Creature, a Wookie who yelled a lot.  Ban was now elderly and sad looking (but also dapper with his newly purchased bolo tie) while Creature, somehow, looked younger than the last time Life Day was celebrated.  Immediately upon their entrance to the ship, Audi Yence screamed and clapped like a trained seal.  “AHH I REMEMBER YOU FROM PREVIOUS LIFE DAYS, I LIKE THIS!”

Ban, with as much emotion as possible.

Ban Bolo while smiling.

“Creature…we’re gettin’ paid,”  growled Bolo, with no emotion.  “I mean, me far more than any of you.  To the tune of twenty-five million galactic credits…but you know, who’s counting?”  Creature yelled, but no one really cared or understood.  Ray Tu Gud and Fukkit explained their story to Ban and although he felt like he had heard it somewhere before and perhaps participated in said past event, he decided to help them in their quest for a new Life Day and finding Jukebox.  Some space pirates appeared and attempted to make Bolo’s life and job seem interesting, but it failed.  Aliens on the freighter broke free and shit and whatever, they escaped via hyperspace.

On BallOfGasMurderer Base, literally the Death Star III, Ryu Kenn and General Huxtler were summoned to see Supreme Leader Snooky.  Hailing from the planet of New Jersey, Snooky was a fifteen foot tall building, possibly, but also a hologram and totally not an Emperor wannabe.  Huxlter gave a Nazi Salute.

“Supreme Leader Snooky.  Ze Dea–uh…BallOfGasMurderer Base veapon is ready to blow shit up like zat ooza time in za past.  Lemme do it, yeah?  Surely nahzing vill go wrong.”  Snooky agreed, even though he had ample reason to believe everything would go wrong.  “Ryu Kenn…your father and master of the bolo tie, Ban Bolo, has the droid thing with the plot device.  Ya gotta kill him brah, sry.  Original and new concepts here,”  said Snooky, unconvincingly.

“He means nothing to me,”  muttered Ryu Kenn.  He then tuned on Linkin Park.  Snooky approved.

The photo is the joke.

The photo is the joke.

Elsewhere, Ban, Fuhkit, Ray Tu Gud, and Butterfinger BB’s all went to some other stupidly named planet.  There, they met Mah Komputer Jenerated, the owner of a castle, I guess.  Everyone there recognized them because who wouldn’t, and both the Life Day Buddies and FOOB called in backup.  Fuhkit, bored with the events so far, decided to leave, but everyone knew he wouldn’t actually go through with it.

Ryu Kenn continued to listen to Linkin Park, talking to his dead grandpa and asking for help to maintain being a murderer.  Audi Yence, almost falling asleep, woke back up for parts with the Sith Lord and continued taking notes on the most interesting sections of the story.

Ray Tu Gud had wandered off into the basement of the castle.  In an unguarded and unlocked room was a lightsaber.  Upon touching it, because that was the logical choice, Ray Tu Gud experienced lots of fan service.  Overwhelmed by the sheer amount of it, she fled the castle alone, making good decisions all around.  Mah gave the lightsaber, revealed to somehow be the former weapon of Jukebox and his father Darth Vapor King, to Fuhkit.

“Wait, where the hell did you get this?”  asked Fuhkit, legitimately.

“That is a story for a sequel film.  Pre-order tickets now!”  yelled Mah, directly to Audi Yence, who pulled out their phone and began choosing seats for the midnight premier.  “Yes, yes…give me your credits…”  Mah whispered to herself.

Back in space or whatever, General Huxlter gave an impassioned propaganda speech, yelling “Sieg Heil!” at every opportunity that presented itself.  “Ve vill not go quietly into ze night!  Ve vill not vanish vithout un fight!  Ve’re going to live on!  Ve’re going to survive!  Today, ve celebrate mass murder!  Kill zem all!  Fuck Life Day!”  With that, BallOfGasMurderer Base fired a giant beam, which by all accounts should have been more impressive.  It destroyed a lot of planets.  Huxlter bit his bottom lip as he watched the genocide.

Sieg Heil!

Sieg Heil!

From the planet the heroes were on, they too watched the deaths of millions.  The impact seemed rather shallow and very quickly forgotten, except for Fuhkit who, despite his name, decided yet again to change his mind and give a fuck.  Also, Stormtroopers arrived and started shooting everyone.

Ban and Creature, veteran fighters, killed some people.  Fuhkit, who had never used a lightsaber before, wielded the one he was just handed with extreme skill and precision, killing many people and making lots of sense.  Ray Tu Gud, still running away, was easily found and captured by Ryu Kenn, but not before displayed supremely good aim with a blaster she had received mere moments before.  Doh’ Hammer-On showed back up, surprising no one and shooting lasers.  He also preformed a sick guitar solo.

“This sort of feels like the old Life Days, plot shortcomings be damned!”  shouted Audi Yence.

After the fight ended, Ban, Creature, Butterfinger BB’s, and Fuhkit were united with General Leelee Organz, who everyone had forgotten was part of the story.  LeeLee and Ban stood around having awkward, stilted dialog that not only didn’t advance anything, it just rehashed what reporter Audi Yence already knew.

“I already knew this,”  said Auid Yence, accurately.

Ban and Organz pretending to have chemistry.

Ban and Leelee pretending to have chemistry.

Butterfinger BB’s found a conveniently placed RJ-D2, a droid who accompanied Jukebox on many of his journeys, but he had powered himself down since his former master’s disappearance.

“He totally doesn’t have any kind of helpful information,” cried FAN-SERV, another droid that Audi Yence recognized and got excited about for no reason.   Butterfinger BB’s seemed to think this was stupid as fuck, but FAN-SERV convinced him the story needed another hour before the crucial information could be used.

The Life Day Buddies began to plan their counterattack on FOOB, using lines of dialog eerily similar to something Audi Yence had heard before.  “Let’s just blow it up!”  grumbled Ban, which everyone saw coming anyway.  The crew all nodded, agreeing that this had been done before and it would be easy.  Audi Yence sighed heavily.

With Ray Tu Gud now in restraints, Ryu Kenn attempted to use the Force to gather information from her.  However, to avoid tension, character building, or fun, Ray Tu Gud was suddenly very adept at using the Force and scared the Sith Lord away.  He informed Snooky of this detail, who asked her to be brought before him.  Ray Tu Gud had escaped though, because fuck it, who wants a good story.  In a fit of rage, Ryu Kenn turned on Linkin Park and broke everything in the room.

He quickly formed a mathcore band and had a photo shoot for their debut album, Ugh Dad

He quickly formed a mathcore band and had a photo shoot for their debut album, “Ugh, Dad”

Ban, Creature, and Fuhkit arrived at the BallOfGasMurderer Base, which was becoming very annoying to say and write at this point.  Captain Merchandise showed up again, saying one or two pointless things before leaving, this time into a garbage chute.  Ban winked at what appeared to be no one while adjusting his bolo tie.

Hammer-On and his crew attacked BallOf…god, they attacked the Base, easily hitting the weak spot that was, for reasons unknown, still in every blueprint for every evil corporation building.  “This is also familiar!  Easy to digest and unchallenging, phew!”  yelled Audi Yence.  Ban, Creature, and Fuhkit, who had also met up with an entirely too capable Ray Tu Gud, attempted to help by setting detonators to blow stuff up.  It was here that Ban confronted his wayward son in a very uncomfortable family reunion on a rickety-as-fuck bridge with no handles and easily one of the most dangerous methods of travel anyone had ever seen.

“Jacen!  Come back to the Light…your mother and I–whoa shit,”  Ban said, losing his balance on the clearly unsafe-as-hell crosswalk.  The conflicted Sith removed his helmet and looked into his father’s eyes.  “I tried so hard Ban.  And got so far…”  They approached one another, continually losing their footing.

“Come home son,”  Ban choked, tearfully.

“I would Dad…but in the end…”  The lightsaber ignited and plunged through his father’s chest.  Slowly, he moved in close, right up to Ban’s ear.

“…it doesn’t even matter…”

Ban, acknowledging his son’s taste in music was truly lost, caressed his face one last time before falling to his death.  The other heroes, all yelling “No!” from a distance, stopped and pondered what else this reminded them of, but quickly decided now was not the time.  Creature managed to get one good gut shot on Ryu Kenn, which would later be used to justify all sorts of things.

Don't worry, he'll be a ghost.

Don’t worry, he’ll be a ghost.

Hammer-On guitar soloed more and shot the Base, whatever.

Outside, Fuhkit and Ray Tu Gud were attacked by the now fatherless Sith.  Quickly dispatching of Ray with the Force, Ryu Kenn faced off against the former Stormtrooper, who somehow also knew how to wield the weapon of a Jedi with moderate success after using it just once.  It was not enough, however, and soon he was defeated by the Sith, dropping the prized lightsaber.

Before it could be retrieved by the Dark Side user, a mysterious entity pulled the weapon to them.  A Force user of great power and strength had arrived to help the fallen heroes.  It was Jukeb–wait, what?

It was Ray?

Alright.  I guess it was Ray.  She then handily defeated, and scarred, her opponent, with the only real reason he lived being because a giant deus ex machina trench split the ground they were standing on.  “You’re…very good at winning everything with little to no effort or urgency…”  said a tired and horribly injured Fuhkit.  “I am!”  yelled Ray Tu Gud whilst carrying him back to the Falcon which Creature was now flying.  As he watched his enemies escape, Ryu Kenn gripped his wounded side.  “That’s why he lost, he got shot, that’s why Ray beat him, that makes sense, totally,”  said a delusional Audi Yence.  The Sith Lord just smiled.

“If I’m killed by the questions like a cancer, then I’ll be buried in the silence of the answer…by myself.

His cell phone then rang, playing “Papercut” by Linkin Park.

“Hello?”

“Yeah, it’s Snooky.  Get off the Base, it’s gonna blow up I think?  I don’t know how this keeps happening.”

“Kay.”

And so he did.

Back at the Life Day Buddies base, everyone celebrated their victory, happy that Life Day wasn’t a total bust.  “I’d give it a solid 7 out of 10!” yelled Audi Yence.  “Literally anything higher seems grossly inaccurate.”  The crew all agreed and cheered.  RJ-D2 suddenly awoke, claiming he was “super tired” but is “totally fine now” and “has some shit about Jukebox you all probably want.”

Please, call me Poor Writing.

Please, call me Poor Writing.

Now equipped with the knowledge of the fabled Jedi’s location, Ray Tu Gud headed off to find him on a remote island.  Their meeting was epic in scope.  She extended his long lost weapon.  He took his hood off.  Audi Yence was overcome with delight.

Then, oddly, Audi Yence’s view became obscured.  It was as if the grandiose scene was being watched from a helicopter at a bizarre angle, shaking and moving the entire time, unable to focus.  “Ah, goddamnit, what is this?”  cried Audi Yence.  In the background, a song began to rise.  Louder and louder.  Both Jukebox and Ray Tu Gud put on sunglasses and turned, nodding slowly.

“Happy Life Day,”  they said to absolutely no one.  The screen then turned red.

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