Sony Press Conference Kills, Drops Mic Seventeen Times
Sony’s E3 press conference was full of dropping microphones. President and CEO Shawn Layden came out on stage and swiftly sucker punched the entire audience, saying, “The Last Guardian is real motherfucks. Don’t believe me? Here’s some gameplay.” He then accidentally dropped his microphone. “Shit, sorry, sorry, please forgive me. Enjoy the footage!”
“I told you it was a thing! I fucking told you!” yelled President of Sony’s Worldwide Studies Shuhei Yoshida before he, too, dropped his mic. He apologized profusely.
Sony then preceded to announce a lot of other shit involving robo-dinos, bald killers, insane space travel, fighting in the streets, and other such games with no release dates. Yu Suzuki arrived on stage and almost immediately dropped his microphone before scrambling to pick it up and announce that Shenmue 3 would go to Kickstarter to ask for funding. “It’s for the fans!” he managed to spit out before the mic, like butter, slipped from his hands and crashed to the ground loudly.
However, the entire audience simultaneously passed away around an hour in when the collective Sony team finally pulled their heads out of the asses and debuted a trailer for Final Fantasy VII Remake.
“Up next, and this is not a trick like last time, is something we here at Sony think you will all love,” stated VP of Publishing and Relations Adam Boyes. “We’ve heard a few requests for this game. At first, we thought everyone was totally joking. But, after receiving millions of death threats and letters with literal anthrax in them, we got the picture. I present to you this special trailer…” Boyes fumbled his speaking device, and for a moment, it appeared as though he had it under control. However, seconds later, the mic slammed to the floor and feedback echoed throughout the entire convention center.
“Ah fuck me, I am so sorry, Jesus Christ you think after the others–anyway, enjoy!”
No audience member would ever see the game though, as the shock from the announcement was enough to render most of them lifeless instantly.
“I couldn’t believe what I was seeing,” said the lone survivor of the event, John Buxton III. “I’ll be eating through a feeding tube for the rest of my life, but it’ll be worth it when this game comes out.”
At press time, Buxton was told the game did not have a release date, not even a goddamn year window. He soon died from depression and loss of will to live.
Although the press conference did continue, revealing lots of other new and impressive games about Star Wars, Batman, and Uncharted (twice), no one was still breathing or conscience to witness any of it. Luckily, they also avoided having to endure the slog that was Playstation Vue, Call of Duty 3 or Disney Infinity in any shape, size, or form. Curiously, this was the only section of the show where everyone held on to their mics perfectly.
Layden sighed. “Yeah I wish I’d of been dead for that part. Yikes.”